Friday, January 31, 2014

Self and Confidence

Growing up I didn't think much about who the prettiest girl in the room was
I honestly didn't care. 
That's not what matters about a person anyway. 
I didn't spend time thinking of how I ranked with other girls. 
Why would you do that? 

Instead of focusing on how I ranked against other girls I focused on becoming the best and most beautiful me. 
That's all. 

I took care of my body as best I knew how
and honestly, I loved my body
I did my hair and makeup in a way that made me feel the most beautiful
I wore what clothing made me happy and confident

But somewhere down the line, a few years ago, I lost sight of what made me feel like me 
and what made me beautiful and unique

I started following a lot of blogs where girls seemed to always look perfect
The line between reality and fake started to blur to me

Each day I felt less and less beautiful 
 my hair didn't fall that way
my makeup wasn't just so
my legs don't look like that
my clothes aren't good enough

These terrible thoughts kept creeping into my head
but still...I fed the fire and kept looking 
kept researching

There were all these rules I needed to follow in order to be beautiful
I had not been following so many of them
How could I have been confident without following "the rules?!"
surely that was not true confidence
or true happiness

I was in my mid twenties and having my first crisis of image
it was and has been heartbreaking

Before I never really cared what people thought of my crazy curly bangs or my transformers t-shirts 
I felt like me.
Like the real me
And that was all that mattered
I knew in every picture, every encounter, every anything I was at least 100% me. 

Then all that was gone

I started trying to wear what I was "supposed" to wear, even if it didn't make me happy or comfortable
I started trying to part my hair and wear my makeup the way I "should"
I kept trying to attain the "perfect body"
and when I couldn't, 
because what I was trying for honestly isn't even my body type,
I got so discouraged that I just stopped trying all together
I stopped doing things that I loved because they were no longer helping me reach 

This not only effected my self- confidence 
but my happiness in general
I was not longer happy with the way I looked or presented myself
and it's hard to do much of anything that feels like you 
when you don't even feel like you look like you

Recently i have started making changes
I knew how good it felt to be comfortable in your own skin, 
I just needed to get that back

I stopped following all blogs that made me in any way feel inferior
and I started only doing things that make me happy
Even if it is silly or crazy
Especially if it is silly or crazy
because sometimes, in those moments, you are the most free

I have started loving my life again
really loving my life

I have the most amazing and supportive husband
who is so excited to get his old best friend back :) 
(I'm sorry it took so long my love) 

The past few years have been really hard
I wish I could say it was easy to recognize 
and overcome
but obviously it isn't/wasn't

Some days I still feel like I am falling short

But then I remember that as long as I'm trying
and as long as my end goal is not "to look like her"
but to look like me
the best me
the real me

I think I'll be just fine. 

I honestly think this is why I have had such a hard time committing myself to blogging
I want to share what's happening with us with those that are interested
but I never felt like my life was good enough
or worth sharing

I love art
I do it all the time
I majored in it for crying out loud :) 
but my projects never lived up to expectations

I love our life adventures
We do have so much fun
Even in the small moments
but they were never anything that was "blog worthy" in my mind

I love fashion
I love getting all dressed up
but I also really love a good pair of jeans and an old t-shirt
I never felt like I was good enough to post anything

So as far as blogging goes
I hope you don't expect too much
because I'm so over making my life look like it is anything that it isn't just for the sake of stats
I'm still trying to decide if I want to even keep posting

I guess we'll see 


  1. You are fabulous! You always have been and always will be. I have loved knowing you and your family,elegant and fun at the same time. Not easy to do but you make it look easy. It takes a while to realize that the only opinion that counts is your own. (Maybe hubby and God of course) Remember you can't "make" anyone feel anyting, and they can't "make" you feel anyting. We do that ourselves. Keep being you. My daughter in law post everyday things and it helps me, and other family members, feel like we are apart of their lives. When you're away from home we miss you and hearing anything about your life is fun. We're not looking for the fantastic just that your happy and living life. Every now and then something big happens and will like hearing that too. Love you girl<3

    1. Sister Bradfield thank you! I needed the reminder that the little things, the day to day stuff, help so much to keep us connected. You are wonderful.

  2. P.S. Good job recognizing why you're not happy and having the courage to change it!

  3. Margeaux, this is beautiful. I can really relate to a lot of what you've said in this post. There are so many ridiculously beautiful blogs out there filled with images of gorgeous girls, exotic foods, exciting locations and I've absolutely had thoughts of, "WTF. My life will never be as incredible as this girl's blog" and yea- they definitely made me feel inferior. And then at some point I just stopped looking at them. I still scroll through my feed once in a while but I've realized that these images are very well curated and are meant to show off an unattainable, glamorous life. That would seem obvious but it's quite subtle the way it infects your brain. You are amazing and so beayoutiful. I hope you keep posting :)

  4. That was brave, courageous, lovely, needed, blunt, wow! I have had the same experiences in life, I am still trying to conquer my own, change, happiness can be tricky and so hard. My friend once said, take as long as you need.....the best advice. We all have stuff, stuff we need to work on, stuff that may be hard, stuff. But, it is wonderful when the stuff works itself out, or when we pull it out of us.
    When living away from family, for me, it was so hard to find me. I had to branch out, put my whole self out there for people to get to know me. But who was/am me/I? I have five sisters who were so easy to taq along with, and dare I say make decisions for me. I had to be tough, brave, and go and do things that scared me.
    You will find yourself again. I hope that I will too. Life is a wonderful gift, thank you for your honesty.
    Please get a big hug from your husband from me. We love you both.(I know his name, just didn't want to write it if you didn't want it on your blog.)
    Do what makes you the happiest.

    Love ya a lot, many people do.
    And I like to be comfy too!!!!!! And I don't wear make up!!!!

  5. I Love this! Honesty is what I love most about reading my friends blogs. Their purpose to me is to see what their doing in their life- the little things, since we're all so far away. It's the ones that put on a show, like look what I can do! that makes me feel inadequate. So my husband says I can't read those blogs. Haha. I hope you share your everyday things. A lot of us wonder and dream what it would be like to live in Hawaii. Even a picture of you shopping at the grocery store, haha. I LOVE to see what my friends everyday life is like. It makes me happy, and you will love reading back and realizing what a good time in life that was. Love you!

  6. I'm always happy to see another blog post from you (as we don't talk or see each other like we did when we were little). I've always thought you are wonderful and beautiful! Your blog posts are funny, interesting, original, and all around fantastic. Stay you!

  7. I said this on your previous post, and I'll say it again here. I AM SO EXCITED for the old Margeaux to be back in full! So, SO excited!