Growing up I didn't think much about who the prettiest girl in the room was
I honestly didn't care.
That's not what matters about a person anyway.
I didn't spend time thinking of how I ranked with other girls.
Why would you do that?
Instead of focusing on how I ranked against other girls I focused on becoming the best and most beautiful me.
I took care of my body as best I knew how
and honestly, I loved my body
I did my hair and makeup in a way that made me feel the most beautiful
I wore what clothing made me happy and confident
But somewhere down the line, a few years ago, I lost sight of what made me feel like me
and what made me beautiful and unique
I started following a lot of blogs where girls seemed to always look perfect
The line between reality and fake started to blur to me
Each day I felt less and less beautiful
my hair didn't fall that way
my makeup wasn't just so
my legs don't look like that
my clothes aren't good enough
These terrible thoughts kept creeping into my head
but still...I fed the fire and kept looking
There were all these rules I needed to follow in order to be beautiful
I had not been following so many of them
How could I have been confident without following "the rules?!"
surely that was not true confidence
or true happiness
I was in my mid twenties and having my first crisis of image
it was and has been heartbreaking
Before I never really cared what people thought of my crazy curly bangs or my transformers t-shirts
I felt like me.
Like the real me
And that was all that mattered
I knew in every picture, every encounter, every anything I was at least 100% me.
Then all that was gone
I started trying to wear what I was "supposed" to wear, even if it didn't make me happy or comfortable
I started trying to part my hair and wear my makeup the way I "should"
I kept trying to attain the "perfect body"
and when I couldn't,
because what I was trying for honestly isn't even my body type,
I got so discouraged that I just stopped trying all together
I stopped doing things that I loved because they were no longer helping me reach
This not only effected my self- confidence
but my happiness in general
I was not longer happy with the way I looked or presented myself
and it's hard to do much of anything that feels like you
when you don't even feel like you look like you
Recently i have started making changes
I knew how good it felt to be comfortable in your own skin,
I just needed to get that back
I stopped following all blogs that made me in any way feel inferior
and I started only doing things that make me happy
Even if it is silly or crazy
Especially if it is silly or crazy
because sometimes, in those moments, you are the most free
I have started loving my life again
really loving my life
I have the most amazing and supportive husband
who is so excited to get his old best friend back :)
(I'm sorry it took so long my love)
The past few years have been really hard
I wish I could say it was easy to recognize
but obviously it isn't/wasn't
Some days I still feel like I am falling short
But then I remember that as long as I'm trying
and as long as my end goal is not "to look like her"
but to look like me
the best me
the real me
I think I'll be just fine.
I honestly think this is why I have had such a hard time committing myself to blogging
I want to share what's happening with us with those that are interested
but I never felt like my life was good enough
or worth sharing
I love art
I do it all the time
I majored in it for crying out loud :)
but my projects never lived up to expectations
I love our life adventures
We do have so much fun
Even in the small moments
but they were never anything that was "blog worthy" in my mind
I love fashion
I love getting all dressed up
but I also really love a good pair of jeans and an old t-shirt
I never felt like I was good enough to post anything
So as far as blogging goes
I hope you don't expect too much
because I'm so over making my life look like it is anything that it isn't just for the sake of stats
I'm still trying to decide if I want to even keep posting
I guess we'll see