When Your Body's Not Your Own

The past few years have taught me so much. Steven and I have been through what to us has felt like a lot. Life throws you things in funny ways though. If you look for the lesson there is always something very valuable to learn from every seemingly hard life experience.

One that has been particularly hard for us started just over 2 years ago.

I miscarried.

I don’t want to go into the details but let me just say to any woman who has ever lost, I love you. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you.

It took me a really long time to emotionally get out of what was thrown at us. I’m still not “over” it. That doesn’t ever fully happen I think. But I found strength finally to carry on.

After everything we started seeing a dr. that suggested that if I had not been so thin, if my body fat % hadn’t been so low, I would have had an easier time supporting a baby. He then went on to suggest that I gain 20 pounds to try and get myself to the ideal baby supporting percentages.

20 pounds!

With that suggestion I gained, and gained, until I was at the “optimal” weight/body fat %. I made it! Maybe now it would happen.

But it didn’t. It hasn’t...not yet. There are other factors at works as well. 

And I’m still 20 pounds heavier then I ever have been in my life. 
A move to a new state and a new fertility Dr. later, we are still getting the same recommendation. Don't lose weight!

Some days are really hard for me. I LOVE to run. I love working out. I love the rush of endorphins and the energy that comes from pushing your body to do hard things. I LOVE that sore and tired feeling after a great workout.

But suddenly I was told not to.

I was told not to do what I loved so very much. “Run less. Go to the gym maybe once or twice a week. Eat an extra helping, and dessert! Every night if you want!” I know it might sound like a dream but it was a really hard mental shift for me.
Still is.

Not the actual eating what I want part, which does kind of rock I guess. But now, when I look in the mirror sometimes I don’t see ME anymore. I always took so much pride and pleasure in making sure my body was what I wanted it to be. Now sometimes when I look in the mirror it is hard to believe it is really me looking back. Where did the fit, fun, energetic girl go?

But sometimes I look in the mirror and see those new curves and bumps and hope, and pray, that maybe they are what our baby needs. That if my body is a little softer, curvier and rounder that this time, this time might be different. They might get to stay with us.

My body is not my own right now. My body is dedicated, completely to an idea. To an idea and a dream. So although I may not have my “dream” body, I now have a Palmer family dream body.

That I can live with.